Northwest Arkansas Crime Report

3:13 p.m. A woman on Candleglow Road, Gentry, reported an assault and theft of money.
Trick, I tol' you gimme my money!

7:44 p.m. A woman at 601 S. W. Pearl Drive reported someone crawled through her ceiling, threw toys on the floor and took bacon out of the refrigerator and left it on the counter.
Damn foster kids…that $200 a month isn't worth it.

10:23 a.m. A man at 902 N. E. Halifax Place reported a vehicle break-in and a college class ring and cell phone stolen.
NOT MY CLASS RING…NO! IT'S SPECIAL ORDER, ONE OF A KIND! PRICELESS!
**Not long after this was posted, the young man cut his mullet and shaved his molest-ache. He couldn't very well sport them without his class ring, could he? Shortly after that, he got laid. True story.**

12:37 p.m. A woman on Braithwaite Street reported her husband’s ex-wife told her children she was going to walk in front of a car.
Forgive me for saying this, but it's one less thing to worry about regarding the ready-made family you married into, isn't it?

2:27 p.m. A woman at 1600 N. E. John DeShields Blvd. reported an erratic driver at a construction site near the soccer fields.
This is Sam and Jen getting Paolo to the big game…you know it is. Freaks.

5:40 p.m. A man at 1959 Stanton reported a TV and computer stolen.
Great, now how is he going to watch porn and catch up on missed episodes of Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill?? Biffed!

5:57 p.m. A woman on West Walnut Street reported being harassed.
Tea Bag still making the day's collections…bitch, I tol' you gimme my money!!

7:12 p.m. A caller at Knight Time Tattoo, 1601 W. Walnut St., reported a disturbance.
A disturbance at the tattoo parlor? Seriously? Find the irony....